What seems so natural to me, is always criticised by others.
Why are they so scared of us and why do they run away.
We don't do wrong and we pay out taxes, but we are constantly knocked down.
As Leonard Cohen says "I've practiced all my sainthood, i gave to one and all"
I will not change, we will not change.
We stand and fight until there is fair treatment for all.

They are so scared of us, but we stand here harmless.
We promote nothing but peace and harmony, yet they push nothing but chaos and hate.
Every time i look at myself, i wonder how i can be so scary, how i'm ruining everything.
When will they close the door on hatred and just start accepting.

With every laugh that escapes my breath is another wall that i've put up to mask how much i just deeply hate myself.
With every laugh you take, the hatred for myself deepens, the deep intense jealousy i have for everyone that is happy.
I sit here in the dark, waiting, when will this change for me.

When will this hatred for myself fade away.
When will the late night tears, when i'm alone, stop.
I want this self loathing and self pity to end.
But then my questioning goes right back to why not me? Why do i have to be the one who's constantly alone.

When did i become this person.
This person that i have always hated.
This person that i never, ever wanted to be.

a list of things i'd like to achieve before i die:
-own an art gallery
-lived in france
-fell in love
-had my heart broken
-own a very big bookcase filled with every one of my favourite books and more
-read infinite amounts of literature
-travelled to far away countries
-discovered the "great perhaps"
-visited Big Sur
- discovered who i actually am, and start to become content with that.
-quit being a sad loser all the time
-descended across the gravel ridge, beneath the bixy canyon bridge.
-own a recording studio
-fall in love

Tonight i was struck so deeply by one sentence in a book i am reading.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
It made me think of what i want in life.
The list is as follows;

i want to love
i want to breathe without a heavy heart
i want to live in a place i love and be surrounded by people who understand me.
i want to learn multiple languages
i want to exist for a reason and have a purpose in life
i want to listen to music endlessly,
drink wine, smoke cigarettes.

I want to resurrect old art forms such as letter writing and poetry,
i want to forget about the internet and television,
i want to talk to people properly, face to face,
so i can analyse your expressions and hand movements.
i want to have massive book shelf filled with great books by great authors.
I want to tell stories to children and what there faces light up.

I want this world to have a purpose and a meaning for life,
people need to stop walking around like zombies and embrace everything that life throws at them.
I want my heart to grow stronger and my head to become clearer.
The biggest thing in life is i want to grow old with someone who loves me.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
I want that quote to be real and i want to start to believe that it is real and that i am worthy of it,
because right now, i don't feel worthy and i don't feel like i will have that,
i don't have a purpose right now and i wish i knew why i was here.

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance wedged itself between me and my happiness, it wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but its so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never one into it.