Oh to be sure.

My head and my thoughts are such a detriment, and I cause myself this grief. All I can do is sit here and choke back the words I want to say, while I spit out the words that mean nothing to me. I’m staring into my future hoping to forget my past. I’ll disconnect my heart from my head and try to forget all these memories. It’s all so bitter sweet. There’s things I know and things left unknown. The unknown is what keeps me up at night, I sit here, 3am wondering and thinking. What if when I leave all my worst fears are proven.

Goodbye

I have always wanted to branch out from my family. Moving to another country has always been the one thing that got me through high school and university. It was the obvious path I would take the very minute I graduated. The one thought that never crossed my mind was just how hard it would be to say goodbye. One simple word has all these emotions attached to it. I still have two months before I leave yet pieces of my heart feel like they are already broken. I know it’s only a matter of time before those broken pieces will heel but still, I haven’t even left yet and the thought of leaving is hurting. I know this is what I have to do. I still have so much growing up to do, emotionally and mentally. The biggest thing that hurts was watching my mothers face drop the moment she knew I got my visa, her sadness is what overwhelms me, I know this is all temporary pain but it’s pain nonetheless.

Misspellings

I always sit and wonder why we meet the people we do. Was I put on this earth to some how transform and change the lives of those people around me? I hate not knowing what my purpose is in life but that’s the one question that no one has the answers to and never will. There are people in this world that can have significant impacts on you, you were one of them. I will forever hold you dear to my heart. This is not our time, it may never be our time. Sometimes you meet people that you love but you are never meant to be with. We grow and learn from people, we all have stories of survival, we all have some form of wisdom or knowledge that we pass on to people, maybe that’s the soul purpose of us, maybe that is why I am here today.

Weightless

It’s just one day she wants, one day to feel weightless. The load she carries on her shoulders is beginning to break her back. The weight is felt through every inch of her body right into the core of her chest. Her heart hurts as her body struggles to fight against the weight. What will it take to lift this heavy load, what will it take to let go of this hell. She can’t say anything as she sinks to the ground. The burden she carries has taken her soul, all that remains is the empty life, the shell of a girl I had once known.

A Secular Society is Bullshit

A secular society is one that denounces attitudes, activities or other things, a country that has no religious or spiritual basis. This does not mean that the country doesn’t allow freedom, it just means as a country our principles are no religious based. However, the “all mighty God” dictates still to this day governmental policies. I don’t have issues with people believing in God; personally I don’t and never will as I can’t imagine living my life for anyone else but myself. The issues I have with religion is when it is often pushed onto people, just like has done so throughout the government.

Australia at the very beginning was not founded on the godly principles like so many people like to think. The spirituality of Indigenous folk is what was once spread throughout this land. The true and original Australia was then “founded” or (invaded as I like to call it) by convicts who killed thousands of Indigenous people, which still do this day affects the Indigenous Australian’s lives. If the government truly wanted to be a secular society then their policies would be a whole lot different. When Australia was finally graced with a Prime Minister who is atheist, unmarried and a woman, we thought we might have hit the jackpot. How wrong we were, not only has she proven to be inept in every way possible, but also she, her party and the opposing party have done little to nothing to change infuriating inequality that is spread throughout Australia.

Firstly to the obvious, the issue of gay marriage. Actually I wont call it “gay marriage” because it shouldn’t be needed to be labeled as gay marriage. I don’t go out and have a gay coffee, I go out and have a coffee. Just like those in countries that do allow marriage equality don’t go out and get gay married, they just get married. I understand is churches and religious folk don’t want to marry gay people, I get that, whatever but that doesn’t mean that marriage performed in a non religious way should be completely ruled out. Why should we let the small minority rule out something that is simply in essence one person declaring there love for another, in this already hateful world we live in why would someone want to stop something that provides hope and love for so many people.

It’s not just issues such as marriage inequality. Its things like abortion and euthanasia. I don’t understand why anyone would not allow a person to die if they were in so much pain. Euthanasia is allowing someone the freedom to die in a safe way. Imagine you are sitting next to your grandma in the hospital, she has terminal cancer, she is in pain, and she is eventually going to die. Now imagine she says she wants to die, because the pain is just to much to bear and no medication is working, Euthanasia offers her she the freedom to die peacefully and therefore reduce the length of time in which she has to lie in the hospital bed in pain. I know I would rather my grandma go peacefully and pain free if it meant she didn’t have to suffer any longer. I don’t understand why someone would disagree and would rather his or her grandma be forced into suffering longer.

Politics angers me, the world angers me and I’m sick of this supposed ‘secular’ society, it’s bullshit.

Unknown

You're there and she's there and I am here and I am scared. You have my heart. It has been placed in the care of your hands. With every thought i think i dig myself deeper into this pool of doubt that is in my mind. Most of all i just don't know and i hate the unknown. It scares me. I'm such a planned person and this is something i never planned for, you were the last thing on my mind.

Airport Death

I can know for certain that nothing will ever be certain again.
I hope that you lay awake at night and think of me the same way i think of you. You know you're messed up right? In some kind of beautiful way, you're really messed up. You say, "I'm still waiting on someone to save me", but that someone has got to be you and that goes for the same as me. You've completely destroyed me and I'm sitting here in pieces waiting for you to put me back together again. All the words i say to you, all the letters i send to you will never sum up what i feel for you. I don't believe in real love but i know I'm really in love with you, or maybe I'm, just in love with the idea of you. I never know if it's love or if it's just a feeling I'm predisposed to feel because society tells me so. When I'm with you it feels like days can roll into weeks in the blink of an eye. Everything we are not is simply everything we have not become, just yet. My list of things to do before i die is short and simple; survive.

The quietness between us was the loudest sound I've ever heard. The unspoken noise was ringing in my ears. The thoughts of you drive me crazy and the distance between us sends me insane. Our fingers fitted perfectly as our bodies intertwined.

You are like an ocean.

I’m sinking like a stone in the sea. I’m walking on eggshells around everyone trying so hard not to crack. The weight of my mistakes are an unbearable load. The song has stopped singing for me and my days are filled with grey.

The words i’ve always wanted to say to you are choked up in my throat. The sum of all your parts make me feel so much more whole again. But my life has always been made up of a series of bad timings and you are another to add to the list.

The Unknown

I want to go back to the days where riding my bike was enough to make me feel alive. The days where my mother’s hug was enough for me to feel better, before the doctors and the pills and increasing fear in the back of my mind, which is so often present. You’re convinced this will help you continue living but you’re not living at all.

Now your life is at a crossroads. You were so safe wrapped up in your education but it’s all coming to an end. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding you for all the wrong reasons. You had always hoped for this day to come but now that it’s here it’s not looking as sweet. Will twenty thousand miles make any difference at all to your sadness? Or will it only fuel the fire growing in your heart and the pits of your stomach.

Your mind changes to your other life. You’ve found an amazing girl, she’s everything you had ever dreamt of, and everything you’ve ever hoped would walk into your life. She’s the perfect girl but just that, a girl. Your lives are so different. The stages you are at are completely poles apart. Despite the fact that someone who consumes your heart has graced you, you continue to feel empty. You’re to young to be this fucked up but that’s how it is these days. Fifty years ago they dealt with war, now we just deal with war in our heads and our minds. They dealt with evil dictators, but now we are the evil dictators and we dictate ourselves.

It’s a bitter sweet symphony this life.

What seems so natural to me, is always criticised by others.
Why are they so scared of us and why do they run away.
We don't do wrong and we pay out taxes, but we are constantly knocked down.
As Leonard Cohen says "I've practiced all my sainthood, i gave to one and all"
I will not change, we will not change.
We stand and fight until there is fair treatment for all.

They are so scared of us, but we stand here harmless.
We promote nothing but peace and harmony, yet they push nothing but chaos and hate.
Every time i look at myself, i wonder how i can be so scary, how i'm ruining everything.
When will they close the door on hatred and just start accepting.

With every laugh that escapes my breath is another wall that i've put up to mask how much i just deeply hate myself.
With every laugh you take, the hatred for myself deepens, the deep intense jealousy i have for everyone that is happy.
I sit here in the dark, waiting, when will this change for me.

When will this hatred for myself fade away.
When will the late night tears, when i'm alone, stop.
I want this self loathing and self pity to end.
But then my questioning goes right back to why not me? Why do i have to be the one who's constantly alone.

When did i become this person.
This person that i have always hated.
This person that i never, ever wanted to be.

a list of things i'd like to achieve before i die:
-own an art gallery
-lived in france
-fell in love
-had my heart broken
-own a very big bookcase filled with every one of my favourite books and more
-read infinite amounts of literature
-travelled to far away countries
-discovered the "great perhaps"
-visited Big Sur
- discovered who i actually am, and start to become content with that.
-quit being a sad loser all the time
-descended across the gravel ridge, beneath the bixy canyon bridge.
-own a recording studio
-fall in love

Tonight i was struck so deeply by one sentence in a book i am reading.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
It made me think of what i want in life.
The list is as follows;

i want to love
i want to breathe without a heavy heart
i want to live in a place i love and be surrounded by people who understand me.
i want to learn multiple languages
i want to exist for a reason and have a purpose in life
i want to listen to music endlessly,
drink wine, smoke cigarettes.

I want to resurrect old art forms such as letter writing and poetry,
i want to forget about the internet and television,
i want to talk to people properly, face to face,
so i can analyse your expressions and hand movements.
i want to have massive book shelf filled with great books by great authors.
I want to tell stories to children and what there faces light up.

I want this world to have a purpose and a meaning for life,
people need to stop walking around like zombies and embrace everything that life throws at them.
I want my heart to grow stronger and my head to become clearer.
The biggest thing in life is i want to grow old with someone who loves me.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
I want that quote to be real and i want to start to believe that it is real and that i am worthy of it,
because right now, i don't feel worthy and i don't feel like i will have that,
i don't have a purpose right now and i wish i knew why i was here.

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance wedged itself between me and my happiness, it wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but its so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never one into it.

Tegan and Sara are LOVE

Things i plan to do these winter holidays:

1.) Lay under my bed for extended periods of time, reading the six books i have hired from the library.

2.) Work, make money, to get me out of this shit country.

3.) Try not to be a sad, lonely, depressive loser.

4.) Visit Mueck exhibition at GoMA.

5.) See some live music.

A letter to my unborn nephew

The world is a cruel place,
It’s full of evil people with bad intentions,
People will hurt you, you will get disappointed,
People are only ever after two things; money and power.

The world is a cruel place,
You have to try your hardest to make the most of everything you are given,
Be who you want to be and not what people push onto you.

I hope by the time you are old enough to understand that the world will have changed,
I hope by then we have reached equality,
I hope that people are not prosecuted for being different,
I hope we have stopped hurting each other,
I hope mother nature is looked after,
I hope, I hope, I hope.

The world is a cruel place,
But I promise, I will look after you.

Dans notre univers privé

I want to live in world where I speak French,
Listen to classical music,
Dine with educated people,
Smoke cigarettes,
Talk about art, literature and music.

And in the winter I would sit at home with you,
Entangled within your body, lay in bed all day and night,
Drink the finest wine and cups of tea.
We will dance to the rhythm of our own beat,
And quote all the greatest poets.

When we are old and grey, we will move,
We will move to the French countryside,
Dans notre univers privé.

The clocks stopped at one seventeen one morning. There was a long shear of bright light, then a series of low concussions. Within a year there were fires on the ridges and deranged chanting. By day the dead impaled on spikes along the road. I think it's October but I can't be sure. I haven't kept a calender for five years. Each day is more gray than the one before. Each night is darker - beyond darkness. The world gets colder week by week as the world slowly dies. No animals have survived. All the crops are long gone. Someday all the trees in the world will have fallen. The roads are peopled by refugees towing carts and road gangs looking for fuel and food. There has been cannibalism. Cannibalism is the great fear. Mostly I worry about food. Always food. Food and our shoes. Sometimes I tell the boy old stories of courage and justice - difficult as they are to remember. All I know is the child is my warrant and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.

- The Road