You are like an ocean.

I’m sinking like a stone in the sea. I’m walking on eggshells around everyone trying so hard not to crack. The weight of my mistakes are an unbearable load. The song has stopped singing for me and my days are filled with grey.

The words i’ve always wanted to say to you are choked up in my throat. The sum of all your parts make me feel so much more whole again. But my life has always been made up of a series of bad timings and you are another to add to the list.

The Unknown

I want to go back to the days where riding my bike was enough to make me feel alive. The days where my mother’s hug was enough for me to feel better, before the doctors and the pills and increasing fear in the back of my mind, which is so often present. You’re convinced this will help you continue living but you’re not living at all.

Now your life is at a crossroads. You were so safe wrapped up in your education but it’s all coming to an end. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding you for all the wrong reasons. You had always hoped for this day to come but now that it’s here it’s not looking as sweet. Will twenty thousand miles make any difference at all to your sadness? Or will it only fuel the fire growing in your heart and the pits of your stomach.

Your mind changes to your other life. You’ve found an amazing girl, she’s everything you had ever dreamt of, and everything you’ve ever hoped would walk into your life. She’s the perfect girl but just that, a girl. Your lives are so different. The stages you are at are completely poles apart. Despite the fact that someone who consumes your heart has graced you, you continue to feel empty. You’re to young to be this fucked up but that’s how it is these days. Fifty years ago they dealt with war, now we just deal with war in our heads and our minds. They dealt with evil dictators, but now we are the evil dictators and we dictate ourselves.

It’s a bitter sweet symphony this life.

What seems so natural to me, is always criticised by others.
Why are they so scared of us and why do they run away.
We don't do wrong and we pay out taxes, but we are constantly knocked down.
As Leonard Cohen says "I've practiced all my sainthood, i gave to one and all"
I will not change, we will not change.
We stand and fight until there is fair treatment for all.

They are so scared of us, but we stand here harmless.
We promote nothing but peace and harmony, yet they push nothing but chaos and hate.
Every time i look at myself, i wonder how i can be so scary, how i'm ruining everything.
When will they close the door on hatred and just start accepting.

With every laugh that escapes my breath is another wall that i've put up to mask how much i just deeply hate myself.
With every laugh you take, the hatred for myself deepens, the deep intense jealousy i have for everyone that is happy.
I sit here in the dark, waiting, when will this change for me.

When will this hatred for myself fade away.
When will the late night tears, when i'm alone, stop.
I want this self loathing and self pity to end.
But then my questioning goes right back to why not me? Why do i have to be the one who's constantly alone.

When did i become this person.
This person that i have always hated.
This person that i never, ever wanted to be.

a list of things i'd like to achieve before i die:
-own an art gallery
-lived in france
-fell in love
-had my heart broken
-own a very big bookcase filled with every one of my favourite books and more
-read infinite amounts of literature
-travelled to far away countries
-discovered the "great perhaps"
-visited Big Sur
- discovered who i actually am, and start to become content with that.
-quit being a sad loser all the time
-descended across the gravel ridge, beneath the bixy canyon bridge.
-own a recording studio
-fall in love

Tonight i was struck so deeply by one sentence in a book i am reading.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
It made me think of what i want in life.
The list is as follows;

i want to love
i want to breathe without a heavy heart
i want to live in a place i love and be surrounded by people who understand me.
i want to learn multiple languages
i want to exist for a reason and have a purpose in life
i want to listen to music endlessly,
drink wine, smoke cigarettes.

I want to resurrect old art forms such as letter writing and poetry,
i want to forget about the internet and television,
i want to talk to people properly, face to face,
so i can analyse your expressions and hand movements.
i want to have massive book shelf filled with great books by great authors.
I want to tell stories to children and what there faces light up.

I want this world to have a purpose and a meaning for life,
people need to stop walking around like zombies and embrace everything that life throws at them.
I want my heart to grow stronger and my head to become clearer.
The biggest thing in life is i want to grow old with someone who loves me.
“i hope you never love anything as much as i love you”
I want that quote to be real and i want to start to believe that it is real and that i am worthy of it,
because right now, i don't feel worthy and i don't feel like i will have that,
i don't have a purpose right now and i wish i knew why i was here.

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance wedged itself between me and my happiness, it wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but its so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never one into it.